My Life’s One Story that I would like to share it with you all…
‘Recognize Her?’ – A statement, pointing towards me. This was the first reaction when I met them, after a year of my wedding.
Little did I know that they subtly mocked at my physical personality, which had obviously changed after the wedding. People who knew me for more than a decade constantly questioned about my transformation. Just like how every individual goes through Post Traumatic Disorder (PTD), most women in India, go through, what is called Post Marriage Disorder (PMD). This syndrome is not found in any book where you can learn about it. Read along to know my story of Post Marriage Disorder (PMD).
When a woman is married, a new journey begins. As a daughter-in-law, you are always worried about how perfect you are in discharging the duties, and ensuring that every new relationship is hale and healthy. Her shoulders are invariably burdened with the pressure of discharging the duties as a daughter-in-law and are constantly under the scrutiny of the new family members and all the threads attached to them. And when she is under the umbrella of the endless Q&A session, PMD comes into the picture. The stress levels increase, your body reacts to this stress and it is visibly seen as the increase in the body weight.
PMD isn’t a phase, it is the unavoidable part of a married life, where you are judged always. You receive comments about your tummy weight and cheek weight (which are typically visible), and the list goes on. Besides this, if you are working a woman, you also carry the baggage of travel and work stress. Above all, when you are getting fat, there is a free consultation that you get from everyone who steps into your life. With time, if you do not reproduce, then this dot is connected to that dot, and you will get to hear about the best gynecologists and fertility centers of the city. You will be told to visit the different temples of the world, to get rid of the various functioning of the stars of your life.
Initially, such moments never bothered me. I would just smile and ignore them. But later, unconsciously, I started believing everything that was told to me. Anyone and everyone who would meet me, would have only two questions to ask me, ‘Why have you put on weight? Do you have a PCOD problem?’ (Though the reality is that I have PCOD). There was nothing else for people to talk to me about my weight issues.
With time, I was finding every reason to dodge human interactions, because I was scared to face those questions for which I never had an answer. I had mood cycles, health issues, and whatnot. None of the clothes used to fit me. No diet or lifestyle change had any impact on my body weight. When I was alone, I was in a constant depression mode. My self-esteem and confidence broke to pieces, and I slowly spiraled into my cocoon, where I believed no one can harm me. Yet, those words and comments came along. My cocoon wasn’t still my safe place. It was dark, deep, disheartening. I lost a year in my depression dwell.
Suddenly, one fine day, it was as if the dark clouds of my life were going away. The sunshine stepped into my life. I busted the shell and went in front of the mirror, and started to tell positive statements of my physical image. I started recognizing the positive aspects of the body and appreciating the same. This wasn’t easy, because the demon, showing the negative mirror, was still inside me. I shut it down religiously and never allowed after that to take over my thoughts. I was brutal with the demon, for it spoiled my life in the near past. I re-stitched and refitted the wardrobe as per my size. Sarees are always my favorite, hence I altered my blouses and dressed up nicely, even when I was operating from home. I ate, what I loved. I changed my verbal intake, along with the nutritional food intake in my body. For a change, I joined a dance class (Zumba), where I got wonderful friends, who constantly motivate me, even though, they don’t know what I am going through.
Fat or thin, I have accepted myself, and it feels undeniably positive inside-out. I can confidently say, the amount of work and the number of things that I take care, I am proud of myself. I have started self-appreciating for everything that I do and be thankful, for whatever is bestowed upon me. Practicing all these past one year one of the good things that have happened is, my menstrual cycle is back on track and maybe very soon, APNA TIME AAYEGA. (My time will come).
Yes! Don’t be surprised, if I tell you that, I am still going through all these, even though, I am four years into my marriage. I have not yet reproduced and my society hasn’t changed. You, Me and so many other women, go through millions of tantrums of the society without any full stop. The only way is to face everything with a SMILE, look into the MIRROR and tell yourself, ‘No one has any right on your body. Their comments don’t matter. YOUR THOUGHTS MATTER. So be who you are’.